Well, I just got home from school. maybe I should more often be depressive or something.
Got my English class test back and also math. 14 points out of 15 (= 1) and a 4+ in math. Actually that's pretty cool...
Well, came home, told my parents: "yeah, nice."
Anyways... I feel kinda shizophrenic... I go to school and smile or do idiot things only to laugh and not having to cry... I mean - if I did it the other way round, everybody would ask me questions or would talk bad about me. So I just shut up.
I also do not tell my friends my thoughts any longer, cuz they just think I'm drowning in self-pity. Which is sometimes right but mostly not. And I do not wanna bother them, they've their own probs. Which are mostly much heavier than mine.
When I say I felt ugly, then I do mean that I feel ugly and nothing else. It's no fishing for compliments or something. I do not tell lies, they fuck up anyways. So I simply shut up.
Shut up to my parents, my family, my friends and myself. I guess this is the better way of making it up.
Yeah, maybe I just suck it all and somewhen I'll explode, but still better than running through your life like a smilie but feeling shit inside.
Sometimes I really wish I was not born. I mean - all that I write here is really my opinion, it's not just blabla.
If I weren't born 16 years ago, my parents would have much more money, they wouldn't have moved to Germany, maybe they'd be happier. My friends wouldn't have missed me cuz they didn't even know me.
But I survived 16 years and somehow life is a gift. I simply donnou how to see the good things in it... It isn't much fun to slip into problems and try to solve them until there are new problems... And whatever you do - it's wrong anyways.
Liebe ist nur ein Traum, eine Idee und nicht mehr.
Nobody ever proofed this wrong. So I still keep on believing this. I actually listen to Die Ärzte kinda often these days. Too true lyrics...