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oh yes, I'm sure my life was well within its usual frame

the day before you came

I took some pictures

  stranger(s) here.

The current mood of eyesclosed at www.imood.com

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But our hearts were strong. Silver and gold took away my son.

It was such a nice evening. They made music, laughed, drank. She remembered once more how much she loves her friends.
They went to the may-fire, just like every year she did so.
And it was a terrible atmosphere between her boyfriend and herself. None of them was really happy about it. She talked with them all - Lucas, Johan, Jelle, ... And with him. He told her later that he thought that everything was over and she did indeed think about breaking up. But she somehow she had to give him another chance. But somehow she's that feeling again, that she thought about the relationship. She wonders whether he had noticed anything! Did he notice that they never talked with each other?!
She doesn't know but she talked with him and hopes for a happy end.
She'll manage it somehow.

 


But she still wonders whether he never noticed anything. Was he happy with how it used to be!? She can't believe that. He cried in front of her, she thinks he must somehow really love her and that actually scares her but it also makes her happy. On the other hand she's afraid of hurting him. She's not the only person on this planet and she can't do whatever she wants to do. She's gotta think of others, too. And even in a relationship you gotta think of others. Your partner and other people.
Didn't he notice anything?! You gotta love someone not only for his body but also for his mind. Maybe he forgot about that sometimes. How can he be happy without knowing anything about her? We don't talk. So she wrote him this letter and he felt terrible and even thought about not talking to her for a week or two. When he told her that and she asked "why?" He didnt know. Sometimes she wonders if he actually does think at all.
He is not stupid, not at all. Only sometimes totally mainstream. And mainstream is dangerous. Should she ever find nazi-songs on his mp3-player again she'll break up immediately. No matter if there's love or not. Being nazi is no oppinion - it's a crime!

She noticed she lied when she said "I should be happy but I'm not." It's no matter of being able to or not. It's about wanting or not!
She has caring friends, a roof over the head, some talents, she has luxury others don't have, she has a loving boyfriend, a nice family, she's enough money to survive and she's given a good education. She could be happy. If she wanted to. And everything else is a lie.
You can't break up saying: "I could be happy but I'm not" It's a lame excuse. If you wanted to be happy, you'd be happy. No matter what. You gotta be thankful, that's all.

 

 This was important to her. And she is happy somehow. Right now she could puke but that's another thing.
At the fire she noticed how important her friends and also music is to her. And she noticed she's absolutely caring about her friends. It makes her feel so sorry to see them so down. And she wants them to know that she's there for them.
She just can't believe that no-one knows what she could do instead of going on like this. But it's good to know that there are people out there who listen.

And maybe she'll die tomorrow or tonight or somewhen else so that she has no chance to thank people who are special to her.
So: Thank you esp. Johan, Steph, Mira, Jelle, Mary, Carsten, Lucas, Lea.

You belong to the most important people in my life, I thank you for everything.

It sounds so darn citschy but it's important to her that you know it.


"I could be happy but I'm not" is a lie if you want to tell anybody you're unguilty for not being happy.
He cried because of her and that makes her feel guilty. He got a second chance, their relationship got a new chance. And everyone deserves a second one. But there won't be a third one, she knows that.

I know that.                                                             

2.5.07 15:53


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